I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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