she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize