My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
