I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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