Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
