How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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