I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Randomize
