I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
