I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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