Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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