What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
