We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize