so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
