she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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