I can tuck mytits in my pants
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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