I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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