Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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