I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
