I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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