So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
