Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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