The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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