just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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