I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
