2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize