3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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