how can u be prego again
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
