I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
