do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
