Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
