are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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