So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
