Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Randomize
