oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
