Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
