After last night, I could never be a politician.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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