I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
