I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Randomize
