I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
