you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
