Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
