She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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