Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
