life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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