I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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