The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
