you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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