one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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