I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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