i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Randomize
