I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
