booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
