the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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