Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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