two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
