then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
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