Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
