I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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