A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
