drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
